Inspired to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard)

The last journey I made here, was 3 months and 21 days ago. I visit scores of blogs written by prettily dolled-up ladies, but I never bothered to come to mine because, well, just because.

I think when you start to marvel at the beauty of others, and wonder why or how they got so picture perfect, you start creating this host of insecurities for yourself. It's been argued to its death that beauty was never meant to be skin deep, yadda yadda yadda, but you know what, it was never that easy to love yourself. Lo and behold, what a revelation.

It isn't easy to love yourself, but the random acts of kindness and love from others,
... like a friend who loves you for a hug
... like a father who loves you for your smile
... like a boyfriend who loves you for your laughter
... like a dog who loves you for your embrace

Sometimes tells you just how you've touched their soul, in ways you never knew. This isn't meant to fan your own self-aggrandizement, it's meant to inform you that you have one more starting point to start loving yourself.

I started this blog, really shy. I used to proudly proclaim to the very, very few friends I shared my blog link with, that I started this blog simply because I wanted a space to share my personal thoughts, and it was never meant to be shared with a lot of people. Only those whom I knew, and I trusted; trusted enough not to make fun of me for the things I said.

But just this morning, I got inspired by someone I met briefly during my college days. We were never in the same class, nor the same club, and truth be told, I do not even remember how we met. The thing is, I never forgot this person because he sent me a very special vibe. He was nothing like the college guys most of us know; boisterous, tongue-in-cheek, flirtatious and always trying to score brownie points, he was not. He was quiet, and simple. And he had this mystical air that was frustratingly disquieting at times because I never quite knew how to approach him and talk to him, though I badly wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I was never in love. But I've always been intrigued by people from whom I get a sense that they're much deeper than what they portray. Yet, it isn't simply a facade, but a veil at an attempt to hide something vulnerable inside.

I visited his blog this morning, and I just got inspired to write again. I just started year 3 of university, and the favourite word that I've coined for myself would probably be "busy". This "perfect-excuse" of a word has been peppered in the responses of people who ask me how I am doing. Busy, busy, busy. Spare some time for a dinner? Sure, when I'm less busy. But I never get around to it, and I ameliorate my guilt by deluding myself with the fact that, hey, they could have asked again when I was less busy, but they didn't. Someone tell me the flaw in my argument, because (apparently) I can't see it myself.

I always claim I'm busy, but so many a times, when I'm taking a break from my work, all I do is surf Facebook until I'm dizzy from all the pretty pictures of friends (of friends of friends) partying through the night and browse blogs of others who rave about the newest set of gelish nails that they just had. I lead a very different lifestyle, I don't party, and I don't like my nails done up (because it prevents me from going about my life as normal since everything I do, I worry about whether an action will chip some precious paint off my nails).

So, I've decided, I'm going to start writing again. I hope I have the tenacity to continue. For those friends who used to come to this space to connect with me, I'm renewing that special bond. I'm sorry I got so lazy the past year.

I don't think I write well, and my boyfriend often tells me my reasoning has some serious flaw (so serious he offers me wry smiles for responses), but hopefully, my musings reflect something that we have in common, a fiber that allows us to connect.

brand new awakening

and so the last time i was here, was almost a year ago.
how so many things have changed.

but that one constant remains; that constant is me.
i realise that sometimes words can do so much more harm
than it can soothe.

it's so easy to break a heart,
but to mend it with words just serves to create deeper scars.
because every time those words don't hold true
the effect is compounded, and the growth is exponential

i've come to realise
that we're only human, only damn bloody selfish

we say that when we love someone
we live for that person
we act in his interest
we think of him first
but do we really?
deep down inside
I THINK
it's only for us
what's best for us
what's ideal for us
what we want

the only way the other person comes into the equation
is when it serves our needs as well

and so i think
that words, are only words

that they're really empty and hollow and shallow

nobody can fully understand the predicament that i'm in
nobody i can wholly confide in

i just want someone to listen
you don't even have to offer advice
just being there
and listening

yes, i do realise that's asking too much
because we all like to offer advice
because we think it'll help the other person
because we know better

truth is, we don't.

ultimately
i think the one person worth relying on
is still yourself
because nature has wired us to become so goddamn selfish
we'd do everything we can
for ourself

i think i'm so selfless
but perhaps
all i've ever done is think of me

re-live the horror

I don't know why it gets to me. Something so trivial, so innocent, but the mere fact that I was absolutely kept in the dark scares me so much and I absolutely hate the feeling.

Now the whole afternoon makes so much more sense.

All that peering into his computer screen, and sharing of elusive input to the designer. The tagline that was thrust to me but I had no clue what it meant. The expletives appearing on his MSN convo, and how 'Sharmaine is still clueless'...

Now I know.

And it really gets to me. It's like re-living the horrors of being bullied, just brought to a whole new level, a brand new playing field with experts.

I realised how very manipulative he can be. So manipulative, it's scary.

Makes me apprehensive to trust them all.
Thank You, for helping me re-live this horror.

Live for Love

But it always eludes me.

And plays a mysterious game of catch.
Only I'll never never win
because all that I'm reaching out to slips between
my fingers like the sands of time;
it is right that love is a dream.

Conjures up the most beautiful of images
in the cosy corners of your mind
And attempts to lock it in.
But it dissolves each time you're hit
With a wave of sorrow,
Some part of your naive mental image gets blurred
You try to make up for what's lost
But it starts to resemble Picasso's art and
You realise it's not going to work,

You fall back onto a cushion of
"I don't care anymore for this lame shyte called Love" but
Every bright spark in your brain is telling you,
You want it more than anything else in the world.

Hell Yeah.

This feeling would suck.
You don't want this to happen again
You gather up life's trials and tribulations
Park them up in neat packages
Stack them up in front of the door
To your cosy little corner
Leading to your heart.

"nobody's gonna have the chance
to command that tsunami of sadness, again"

And so you continue enforcing your barrier.
But this construction takes time,
takes effort,
and you grow weary,

So you stop.

Shush` so I can hear
the whispers from your heart.

Prepare for Take-off!

It was awesome. Guess what!

I finally managed to go the flight that my brother has been planning for since 3 weeks ago, which also got cancelled 3 times in a row -.-"

Today was the fourth time it's scheduled and I went up with my Aunt.

On a related note, I spent the night out of house again! This time, it was at dear Candice's house. She very kindly invited everyone over and the total tally came to 15 people! ;D But I suppose I missed out quite a bit cos I only dropped by her house at 3am.

I was chilling with my fellow interns at Clark Quay till late, and we totally passed the time by talking, talking and talking. But it was niceee!

The 7 of us had dinner at Aston's then it was off to ICB to drink ! I downed two beers of Stella, all thanks to Sam who had to order that second one. Then since Jerome wanted to bar hop, we "hopped" down to Clark Quay to find another place to chill and that took super long. We were walking in circles before we finally settled on Hooters -.-" There, it was Kirin Beer; which was damn gassy. URGH.

And that night, as we talking by the Singapore River, I realised that I'm going to walk down that slippery slope I've always been so careful to avoid; one more serious time.

Sleepover

I created history today. I overwrote my own previous record of staying out late; I actually stayed out the whole night --- WHAT THE, YAYY!

Although the outing was quite lame (with nothing to do but sit around and waste away time), I actually stayed out with the bunch of them at Jon Tan's house. Whee.

Jeremy. Terence. Jon Tan. Candice. Jon Foo.

I think it's pretty amazing how my life has penned out in recent months, it's been so incredibly fun. Ever since I started work earlier this month, I haven't gone home straight after work before; somehow or rather, I'll have something on after work and I get home late each night. Next day, it's back to work and I even go back to work on my leave days, I feel so in tune with HCS, as much as I rather feel indifferent towards it.

I think a huge part of what makes work fun is the fact that the other 8 interns there are awesome people. And guess what, 7 of them are from SMU!

Work has been maddeningly busybusybusy, and on Tuesday, I got home from work at 12.30am O.o" Shawn, Sam and I stayed back till late to make sure everything was in place for the Seminar on Wednesday, and we were working without any instructions from the boss -- gee, how empowering.

But I'm glad that the Seminar turned out well, and Madam is happy. The Seminar also happened to coincide with the company's first anniversary! And I'm on leave today, so it's all GOOOOOD.

It's been such an exhausting month, but so rewarding, and really, so much fun. I think life has a way of playing its cards, you never know what's going to come your way next.

PS: Aw, it's sad that Don's last day is tomorrow, and the intern figure will dwindle by one. But we won't forget you dude! :D

IncredibleIndia

I have been so busy with my India trip, it's crazy. But at the same time, the past few weeks of life has just been amazing.

Amazingly convoluted.

To India and beyond, I shall report home safe; soon.