A little lost

Yepp, it's the exam week!

And I have so much Business Law in my brain, recalling even last weekend's events is a chore.

SAT: Oh yes, I headed out for an entire day of activities with my parents.
SUN: To Grandma's.
MON: Analytical Skills mugging.
TUE: Mugging with Danny and Gernaine at ECP Starbucks; not something I do often but surprisingly productive!
WED: Mugging with them again but I left early to crash Changkat's Grad Nite.

I dragged Steven along because my Mum didn't wanna go with me but then I had to leave with my Dad so I felt kinda bad. SORRY >.<

Today, as I watched their Grad Nite, obviously I was in a position - on the outside looking in. My time of such has long past, but I never can displace that emotional attachment I feel towards every facet of the school.

I know it sounds reasonable to feel this way, but I actually find it strange that a part of me will never move on. I still find myself so endeared to this place which, probably in the eyes of many, is simply an institution that gets by, nothing much.

I actually found myself tearing when the farewell clips the teachers had for the students were being aired on the projector. I don't know... sometimes I just wanna be that kid again.

Be that young thing who can do no wrong. Be that inane creature who needs everything single damned thing mapped out for me, excluding the fun bits of course, because that, I can fully take care of. Be the naive fella whose world revolves around friends. Be rebellious. Be sensitive, but circumscribed only to myself. Be one who thinks I rule the world, and the only world that exists is mine.

I'm not living in the past. I assure you.

But when the world moves so quickly and time just whizzes by day in day out, time becomes relative and you don't start to treasure it anymore.

What's the point of living a clockwork life? I might as well be a fixture on the wall, simply needing a change of batteries every now and then, a wipe every once in a while.

I opine to love Uni Life, I do. I love how it's so multi-oriented and you don't just have to study all day long. Where I don't rush to lectures or tutorials, I rush to seminars - it has a different tone to it and it's a nice kind of different.

I'm getting used to such a life. But beneath all these veneers of work-related matters, I somehow feel always a little lost.

And it's irritating the crap out of me that I don't know what's causing it.
There's nothing in my life that I'm lacking.

True, I have a gaping hole, that seems incline to grow into an abyss as the days go by, where a boyfriend would actually be. I don't have one, but I'm not lacking one. I think.

I think I don't need one. I always say that.
Sometimes I'm surer than myself, sometimes I grow doubtful.

It's a sort of deviation that would ultimately still reel back to the same starting line. Once in a while, someone comes along and offers some degree of respite but then it goes away again.

For a little while after that, I'm always finding my direction on my own again. And I always manage to come home.

Each time, I feel a minuscule bit less lost. In the long run, this should bode for a stronger, brighter future where the home slowly strengthens itself to be one made of bricks.

Yet, I always have someone telling me to make sure the door can be found: that it's
not too small
not too inconspicuous
not too secure;

or if one day I get lost in my little home, no one can save me from myself.
Now that would be scary.